I'm Not OGay I Promise
by tornandfrayedpages
Summary: Random craziness. Walking up to face the day never should be this hard...
1. Chapter 1

I'm Not O-Gay (I Promise)

It was a beautiful morning. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and Alfred F. Jones was on the prowl. Cat-like and stealthy, he slowly crept past all the innocent, sleeping bodies in the other rooms. Slowly now, carefully, past Gilbert's room, past Matthew's and Kiku's the hunter slipped down the hall until he had reached his prey. Creaking slowly, the door pushed open with the greatest of care until the sleeping form of his slumbering victim was revealed. Slowly now, he prepares himself to attack, crouches down and prepares to spring, as the unwitting sacrifice sleeps on, unaware that at this very time, the hunter stalks him. The hunter, the all-talented, all-graceful, and, most importantly, all-amazingly-good-looking hunter, the hero who stalks his prey even in the day, for he sees all, knows all, never misses a single detail...  
>"Alfred? What are you doing?"<br>Damn. So much for all-knowing.  
>"Nothing! Um, why don't you go make some coffee or something, Matty? I'm, um, thirsty." said Alfred as he paused, mid-crouch, in shock.<br>"Ok-ay then. Sure. Alright. I'm going to go do that." said Matt, rolling his eyes as he walked away from the hunter, the daring, the lean, the devilishly-handsome hunter who slunk back into his stance as the not so devilishly-handsome prey turned its back on him. He was lucky this time. But luck will not be on his side the next time they meet. The hunter would make sure of that.  
>"And people think Arthur is the weird one..."<p>

**My first story! What do you think? I'm sorry it's so short. I'm actually re-posting it right now, it's been a while since I made this. Oh, and it was also made for another fan base entirely (can you guess which one?). But I think it adapted well... let me know what you think!**  
><strong>XOXO<strong>  
><strong>Cat<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

Silence at last. The hunter dipped his graceful and totally hot body down into a loping, silent, tiptoeing stride. He crept his way towards the prey for the second time. He slowly approached until he was close enough to see the victim's chest rise and fall, rise and fall, under the thick, warm blankets. Closer still he got until he could count the individual hairs on his helpless prey's head, well... eyebrows. But closer still he must get. Closer and closer until the hunter could feel the warm breath of his victim on his neck. Slowly now he prepared himself to pounce, savoring the anticipation and the excitement of this moment, the moment in which the hunter either survives or fails, the moment in which the slightest mistake, the slightest noise, the slightest sound would wake his victim and ruin his whole plan. It would be the death of him, should the weak and lifeless prey awake. The very death.

"Alfred? What are you doing to Arthur?"

The hunter jumped two feet into the air in surprise. No, not surprise. The hunter must never admit weakness, never show defeat. He knew Kiku was there. The hunter knew all.

"Shhhhh. You'll wake up the prey- I mean Arthur. Go down stairs. Matt made coffee." The hunter enticed his foolish victim.

"I apologize for my directness" The unconvinced prey asked with a ceremonial bow. Well, he could always be eaten too. "Please, Alfred-san, do not hurt Arthur-san too terrible? It took a very long time for him to recover last time you woke him up."

Maybe he wouldn't have to be eaten after all. "Of course I won't hurt him Japan. Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Nothing Al-san." Said the prey as he beat a hasty retreat to the sanctuary of the kitchen. "Nothing at all."

Slowly the hunter strained his ears. Not a sound to be heard. Silence once more. Silence was his element. He was the silence. Slowly he began his decent for the second time. He prepared his spring, crouched close to his prey (who was miraculously still asleep) and prepared his attack. He tensed and….

"What. The . Hell. In. Awesome. Are. You. Doing?"

The majestic hunter lurched forward a few feet as his attempted attack was ruined and he was caught off guard. Again.

"Nothing, Gil. Nothing at all!" the hunter said sweetly, to distract the inferior subject in front of him.

"Don't kill him." Said Gilbert, leaving without another word (or his chirp from his birdie). Another undeserving foe defeated by the hunter. May he live long and always be this hot.

"Who drank all the coffee? I had the machine set to make a whole new batch last night." Asked Gil as he reached Matt and Kiku in the kitchen. Matt looked down in surprise at the empty twenty-cup, industrial-sized coffee pot in his hand.

"But it was empty when I got down here!" he told the others. They stared at him for a second and then looked up at the ceiling to where the first person to wake up, the ungainly hunter, was. They then looked back down at each other with wide eyes.

"Well, crap."

**Chapter Two! Please forgive my terrible Kiku... I really modeled some of his behavior after other manga I've read, so, it may be wildly off... And Gil was the one character that didn't QUITE fit when I adapted this... but I couldn't have Matt with out Gil... Reviews are appreciated!  
>XOXO,<br>Cat  
><strong>


	3. Chapter 3

One last time. The other insignificant beings on the hunter's killing grounds thought that they could stop him from destroying their leader. But they were wrong! For the hunter will never be stopped!

And finally, after much anticipation and excitement, much hard work and patience, finally the hunter crouched down for the final time and … Struck!

The resulting bangs, screams, and thuds of a rudely awaken heavy body falling to the floor could be heard quite clearly in the kitchen below. Three exasperated sighs echoed throughout the kitchen as several exhausted countries listened to the scuffle above them.

"Are they ever going to wake each other up normally?" asked a sleepy Gil.

"It is doubtful." responded Kiku with his trademark stoicism.

Silence once again over took the kitchen as the three listened intently to the curses, giggles, and thuds coming from the room above.

"They're going to wake the neighbors up again." sighed Mat.

At that moment there was nothing but silence from upstairs. Suddenly a sharp gasp and a particularly loud bump was heard followed by more maniacal giggling and loud cursing.

"Fuck the neighbors, they're going to wake up the dead!" declared an outspoken Gil, waving his arms and slamming his head into the laminate island counter top.

Silence followed Gilbert's statement as the cursing stopped and the giggling faded and became quieter. Suddenly a loud thump was heard and the giggling switched to cursing as a cry of victory filled the air. Pounding feet could be heard stamping up and down hallways and in and out of bedrooms as the two giggling maniacs jumped over beds, knocked over furniture and made flying leaps at each other's throats.

"Why do they have to act so gay all the time?" asked Gil with a heavy sigh.

"WHAT!" gasped a horrified and insulted Arthur. "I AM NOT GAY!" he yelled as Al caught up to him where he was standing in the door frame.

"RRRRAAARRGGGG!" screamed Alfred as he tackled Arthur to the ground yet another time. They wrestled around on the kitchen floor for a while until Arthur finally got the upper hand and pinned Al to the ground.

"Ha! I win!"

"Not fair! You're bigger than me!" pouted Al.

"Are you calling me FAT?" gasped Arthur with tears in his eyes.

"And he wants us to believe he isn't gay." commented Mat dryly.

"I'M NOT GAY EITHER!" protested Arthur, overreacting slightly.

"Then why are you dry-humping Al?" asked Gil in what he considered to be his infinity wisdom.

Arthur screamed and immediately jumped off Alfred.

"Yeah Kirkland, why ARE you dry-humping me?" asked Arthur suggestively with a small hip wiggle.

"I AM NOT GAY!" he screeched and ran off to hide in his bedroom.

"What a drama queen." remarked Gil as even Kiku nodded in assent.

"Yeah." agreed Al from the floor. Suddenly he bolted up and grabbed the entire pot of coffee from the coffee maker and ran as fast as he could up the stairs.

"What the fuck just happened?"

**Another Chapter! Yay! I'm excited! Are you?**

**XOXO, **

**Cat**


	4. Chapter 4

"Do you think we should check on them?" asked a worried Matt.

"No." said Gil, taking bit of the pancakes Matt had made.

"But it's been like half an hour and we haven't heard from them."

"So?" replied Gil, staring at Matt like he was crazy.

"Yeah. You're right." admitted Matt.

Silence filled the air again.

"But what if..."

"I believe they are fine, Matthew-chan." Kiku interrupted.

"Yeah, what are you so worried about anyway, Matt? I mean, what's the least awesome thing they could be doing right now?"

Silence once again filled the kitchen as everyone really thought about what Gil's had said.

"Oh God."

[*5 Minutes later, outside of Al's bedroom...*]

"Well..." whispered Matt. " I don't hear anything."

"That could be good." Kiku whispered back.

"Ku." said Gil matter-of-factly.

"Yes Gilbert-san?"

"Remember last time they were quiet for any amount of time?"

"Oh God. My tv!" groaned Matt.

"My suit!" whimpered Kiku with a heartbreaking expression.

"Da. My awesomeness hair." said agreed Gil, stroking his head fondly.

They stood in silence for a minute, recalling the under destruction that had been created when Arthur had told Al to "do something quiet" and Al for some reason attempted to build a snowman. Indoors.

"Matt."

"Hmmm?"

"Go in."

"Hell no!" yelled a surprised and mostly horrified Matthew.

"SHHHHH!"

"Sorry." whispered an abashed Gil. "But I don't want to go in. You go Kiku!"

"I must respectfully decline."

"Well one of us has to, and I can't risk losing this AWESOMENESS!"

''Shhhhhh!" Matt said quickly as he slapped his hand over Gil's mouth. They turned towards the door of Alfred's room in fear, only to find it already ajar.

"Where'd Kiku go?" asked Gil, removing Matt's hand from his mouth, but still holding it tight. Slowly the two of them looked at each other and then back at the door. They crept forward, Matty still gripping Gilbert's hand for dear life, and inched into the room. What they saw their shocked them both.

The room looked like a dumpster from outside a candy shop went out for night on the town, had several too many, got home, and threw up. Smelled like it too. Kiku, Gil, and Matt were in a state of shock. In fact, Gil and Matty were still holding hands, they were so surprised at the condition of the room. And the three had seen a lot of messy rooms, especially Matt, from being near wrappers were lying there, dead, dismembered bodies in unburied, mass graves. There were Skittles wrappers, Twizzlers wrappers, and Sour Patch Kids wrappers. There were Kit Kat Bar wrappers and Lollypop wrappers all laying around the room, creating a layer of junk over everything. In some places, the trash was so thick, there could have been a giant hole in the floor and you wouldn't know it until you had fallen through. And in the center of it all, was Al, sitting criss-cross-applesauce in front of the stolen pot of coffee. Or, what was a pot of coffee. Their coffee pot was now a kettle filled with a strange concoction of the pulled out guts of all the dismembered and disemboweled candy wrappers. In with the twenty or so servings of coffee were the contents of several packages of Skittles, Sour Patch Kids, and Kit Kat Bars. Mixing all these together was the lollypops, which were then smashed on the hardwood floor and thrown in as well. But that wasn't all. Several packages of Twizzlers were emptied onto the floor, had their heads and asses bitten off, and were used as straws. Even from across the room, Kiku, Gil, and Matt could see the concoction in their beloved coffee pot. They stared in shock some more as Alfred gulped down another fourth of the coffee concoction, leaving about one fifth of the coffee left. No one knew what to say as Al rocked rhythmically back and forth, back and forth, his eyes diluted from caffeine and sugar.

"A-a-a-al-lll?" whimpered a terrified Matt. At the sound of his name, Alfred's head snapped up. He stared like a man possessed as he continued to rock back and forth.

"Dude?" whispered Gilbert when they got no response from him. "Why don't you give me the coffee pot, okay? Everything's going to be awesome, alright?"

Slowly Gil walked forward, his hands up to show Alfred he was unarmed. Gilbert took several, cautious, deliberate steps forward with no reaction from Al.

"Come on, give me the coffee..." coxed Gil. As he reached for the pot, Al seemed to retreat back into himself, holding his coffee pot to his chest.

"Come on, it's okay..." Gils hands move slowly, closer and closer, until they were mere centimeters away from the coffee...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Alfred suddenly jumping to his feet, scaring the shit out of everyone and causing them to jump up a several feet in the air. "MINE MINE MINE MINE! MY PRECIOUS! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!"

No one moved for several seconds. Hesitantly, Gil began moving towards the coffee pot again with his hands raised.

"It's okay. We're not going to hurt you. We're your friends, da?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Alfred as he ran past Gil's outstretched hands. For yet another time that day, Gil, Matt, and Kiku seemed too stunned to move as Alfred galloped straight for the door.

"YOU JUST WANT IT FOR YOURSELVES! BUT IT'S..." it was a sentence Al was unable to finish. Kiku had managed to unfreeze himself at the last possible second and threw his right arm out wide. Alfred ran straight into it, hanging suspended in midair for a second as his body curved around the offending arm. Then the coffee pot flew out of his grasp and he fell to the floor, coffee, sugar, and glass smashing hard against the wood and exploding everywhere. Everyone remained still for a second, Gil and Matt in shock, Al with a mixture of surprise and pain on his zombie-like face, and Kiku just being stoic as always.

"Alfred." said Gil.

Alfred was second to move. He stood up, sucked in a deep breath, and... ran for the bathroom. The sounds of him throwing up hundreds of pounds of candy and forty cups of coffee could be plainly heard all the way up and down the hall. Poor Gil and Matt sat down, Matt on the trash-covered bed and Gil sliding down against a wall, both of them trying to absorb what just happened into their minds. Kiku just stood there, appearing unsurprised as always.

"If that's what Alfred was doing, then what do you think Arthur is doing?" said Gil.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck."


	5. Chapter 5

**Wow, sorry it has been so long guys. Truth be told, this is as much as I have written so far. I'm going to try to continue this some more, but I am also trying to start another story that I just started getting ideas for, so it maybe a little while. 3**

"Gil! Where are you going! DON"T LEEEEEEEEEAVE MEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed Matt. The countries' household was in utter chaos today. Even more than usual, which is hard for many to imagine. Still, worse it was. Matt was sobbing uselessly on the floor, Arthur was missing, and Alfred had just finished throwing up forty cups of coffee combined with ten pounds of assorted candy. Even Kiku was scared. You just couldn't tell.

"Birdie, I have to go. Someone has to check on Arthur. Unless- unless you'd want to? You are his vaguely related and all..."

Matt screamed bloody murder and hid unsuccessfully behind Kiku's slim body. Gil took that as a no.

"Right. Well. If I'm not back soon... just... say something nice at my funeral, okay? Like I how awesome I was or something?"

"But you told us how awesome you were when you were alive!" protested Al from the door. He had returned from the bathroom, looking much better and back to normal. Normal for Alfred anyway.

"What is that?"

"What is what?"

"THAT."

"OOOOOh. THAT."

"..."

"..."

"Alfred!"

"Matt!"

"Alfred-san?"

"KIKU!"

"GUYS!"

"GIL!"

"AL!"

"GIL!"

"Alfred-san!"

"KU!"

"MATT!"

Once again, silence filled the bedroom. Everyone stared at Matt in shock where he was, staring at them, surprised that he spoke above a whispering level.

"Sorry." he said immediately, quiet once more.

"So... what IS that?" asked Gil after a long pause.

"What?"

"THAT."

"A platypus that enjoys peanut butter."

"..."

"What?"

"Hmmmm?"

"Um... Al... I think Gil meant, what are you EATING?"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooh... cherry flavored lollypop dipped in Nerds candies and sprinkled with Pixy Stix dust."

"..."

"So who wants to check on old Cranky!"

**Ta-da! Yes, THIS is what I came up with. I hope you enjoyed! **

**XOXO, **

**Cat**


End file.
